Hello, my name is Brenton and I struggle with depression.
A few years ago I went through monthly counseling with a Christian counselor. The counselor helped me realize that, among other things, I was depressed. Not the can't-get-out-of-bed kind of depression, but a type that makes me lock-up inside my head. My depression takes away feelings of happiness and contentment. It makes me ruminate internally on things, bottle up my feelings, and disengage from the world around me.
Most of the time I can hide it pretty successfully in public. However if you know me well you've probably seen me shutdown at some point in time. Maybe a discussion wasn't going my way, or I felt like everyone was conspiring against me. If that is the case I most likely stopped talking, conceded some point of view, and walked off. I'm sorry. I don't hate you. I'm just depressed and something triggered a shutdown. And I wanted the situation to be over.
The place my depression hits the hardest is in my home. Sadly, and unintentionally, my wife and kids take the brunt of the internal roller-coaster that is my emotions. I'm happy then mad, patient then yelling, fun loving then stern. It's not your fault. I promise I'd turn it off if I could. I don't get to pick my good days and bad days.
I'm working on a solution. I want to be a more emotionally available and reliable man. Be patient with me world (esp. you guys ... Balvin family). Try to understand me and don't take my rudeness/coldness/quietness/disengagement to personally. To quote the famous teen break-up line, "It's not you, it's me."