Open Letter to My Dog


You have been a part of our lives now for almost two years.  You were the addition that I never planned on having.  After three kids and 7 plus years of marriage, it was time for our family to grow and we ended up adding you.  You'd think that we would have grown closer over time, being that you are man's supposed best friend and all.  Sadly I don't think this is the case.

Oh sure, you've pulled the wool over the eyes of Stephanie and the kids.  They think you're great.  But I warn you - don't think I can't see what you are doing.  Those puppy dog eyes might work on other people with softer hearts than me, but I see through the act.  They might overlook the chewing on stuffed animals, stealing food out of school backpacks, and laying all over the furniture.  I, however, don't.  I see it all for what it really is.  You're try to drive me insane so you can slide into my room as head of this house.  You think you can turn the family against me with your sneaky antics but I promise you it won't work.  You think if everyone thinks I hate you then they will in turn hate me.  I promise you my four legged friend, it will not work.

Let's get a few things straight.  The big bed in the room upstairs belongs to me, not you.  The same is true for the couches, the reading chairs and the pillows that you like to lay on.  The blanket on the floor next to the window is yours.  Do whatever you want with.  Secondly, stuffed animals are not real animals so you can stop ripping the eyes off all of them.  I'm tired of closing doors and putting up gates to stop your crusade of eyeball chewing.  Thirdly, we're a family that comes and goes quite a bit.  Get over it.  Throwing tantrums and making a big mess because you are upset with us is not slowing us down any.  If anything it makes me want to be gone more.  So leave the corners of the pillows alone.  They don't chew on you, so stop chewing on them

I've got a feeling I'm going to be stuck with you for awhile.  Stephanie and the kids seem to adore you quite a bit.  (Maybe it is because they don't have to clean up the IEDs you have all over the backyard).  That being said here's a few things that need to change if we are going to get along.

1.  Don't sniff me or my clothes
2.  Don't try to steal my seat whenever I get up for another drink or snack
3.  Don't lay anywhere near my pillow
4.  Stop barking whenever I let you out the backdoor
5.  Be there when I want you, otherwise be invisible

If you can handle those five things we should have no problems in the future.

Oh, one more thing...leave everyone's underwear alone.  It is disgusting that you chew on it!

Thanks for you time,
The true man of the house,
The king and ruler of this domain,