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Sometimes I Feel Locked Up in My Brain

Warning:  This is a pretty.....heavy........personal......post.  I don't know why I am sharing it, other than I am hoping it will be in some way therapeutic to me in the writing, and in some unknown way beneficial to someone in the reading.

I have SO much on my mind right now that I feel like I am paralyzed in thought.  The weight of what I'm thinking about is heavy and today I've been feeling really weighed down by it.  That isn't good.  I am quiet and emotionally reserved to start with so having all these questions and thoughts rolling around inside my cranium just cranks it up that much higher.  I can't seem to turn it off.  Every second of calm and quiet my brain fills with critical discussion with itself.  The result is I'm even more quiet, impatient, anxious, and critical than normal - paralyzed in my mind, in a sense.

It blows me away how magnified every little thing is when I feel like this.  I have been blessed (or cursed) with an eye for detail and error.  I see things that other people don't.  I ask lots of questions about the 'whys' behind things.  I see a different way of doing things that seems to me to be easier, faster or better.  The problem is in communicating those things in a helpful, positive way instead of a judgmental, critical way.  Of course, I don't intend to be judgmental and critical, but my vocal inflection and the looks on my face seem to consistently betray my intentions.

Here's another funky thing.  How do you get out of an emotional rut?  Some people use the Nike mindset and tell me, "You just do it!"  Maybe I'm an odd ball but I've never been real successful in willing myself to happiness.  There's no happy button deep inside that I can just reach in and push.  And what usually happens is the Nike people just make me all the more reserved.  So what do you do? It's tough because when you feel the most down and need/want people around the most, you usually end up being a pretty miserable person to be around and so you effectively just push everyone away.

Sadness begets sadness.  Which is maybe why so many people end up drinking alone at the bar.  Alone in a room filled with other people who feel alone.

As a Christian I believe that God fits into this all somewhere important but I'm not exactly sure where or how that happens.  Trust me, I'm talking to Him to.  Most asking why the heck I have to deal with this kind of junk.  And then my brain just starts kicking in again and my seminary education reminds me that God never promises his people no trouble, only that the trouble won't completely over take them.  This is a great promise for which I am most grateful, but it doesn't resolutely resolve my issues or make me feel much better about my present circumstance.

There's a few things that distract me...
- playing a sport
- holding a baby
- being in a large group of people
- someone who will do the HARD work of drawing me out
- a great fictional novel
- intense cleaning

None of these things wipe it away, they just make it go away for a touch.
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